Current mood:

crazy

i BS alot in my blog

blog

hmmm is it just me? or did i really BS alot in my blog over the semester. i don't know. there's alot of things written that i really don't agree with. or maybe i've just changed. i know i took alot of time to write them...but when i read them now, none of that stuff really applies to me. when i read them now, alot of the things i wrote seem so empty. it's like...i know i hate small talk but then in my blog, i wrote so many boring things. i don't think i ever got to the real point. hardly anywhere on my blog does it say that i was depressed...but i WAS depressed during that time...i think. i don't remember...is it because i didn't want to talk about my depression or was it because i was too preoccupied with all the other things that were happening in my life? i'm not sure. did i REALLY get over my depression that easily? don't remember. i don't know why i have short term memory loss these days. i think school was the reason why i wasn't depressed. and the fact that my friends were always there for me. when i was at school, there was nothing that could make me sad.

at first, i was really hurt whenever kelly and i had to walk by each other in the halls and act like strangers. everytime i always had to act normal or act like i didn't see her...but the truth is, i was always so hurt inside. i'd never make eye contact with her because i knew that i would start crying. i would always have to act happy at school...i'd always have to act normal around my friends during the lunch period...and especially during japanese class i could never show that i was sad. all this was pure acting of course...but after a while, i think that i really got used to it. it wasn't acting anymore...it was actually real feelings. i got used to the fact that at school, kelly and i were strangers. i guess it really didn't affect me that anymore that we weren't friends.

but i definitely was depressed. everytime i thought that i finally got over my depression, something would happen that would make me extremely sad again. the truth is, i think that i chose my other friends over kelly at that time. when i stopped being friends with her...i did that partly because i gave into their peer pressure...and because i wanted them to be proud of me. i also did that for nichole...because she always wanted me to stick up for myself. alot of times, i would have to act happy around them....partly because i didn't want them to worry...but i think mostly because i didn't want them to keep telling me how kelly is such a bad friend and everything. this is one of the reasons why i think that kelly and i weren't really bestfriends back then. if i truly considered her a bestfriend, i should be able to choose her over my other friends...but i didn't. i thought i would...but after what happened, i turned to them right away. but then after a while i realized, that i should make my own decisions. i shouldn't tell other people to solve my problems for me...because that way, nothing could ever end up the way i want it to be. i ask people for advice because i want reassurance...i seldom USE that advice. that's because i should solve my problems myself...and when i ask people for advice...i just want support. no matter how i explain it, i could never convince other people why i'm bestfriends with kelly. i could never make them see what i see in her. therefore...they could never understand how much pain i was in at that time. they could never understand why i was so depressed...and why i missed her so much.

the thing is, whenever i said that i was ok...i was partly lying. i did that to deceive other people..but in truth i was just trying to deceiving myself. in the back of my mind i knew that my real intentions were to be friends with her again somehow. no matter how much i said it wasn't possible...and how i had given up already...i still had hope. during that time...i always wished that there was some way we could be friends again. i know at times...i would bitch in my blog about how much i hated her...but the truth is, i always TRIED to make myself hate her...but i could never do it. i didn't have the heart to hate her because after all, she was my bestfriend. that's why now, i make decisions without the help of my friends...because what can they do? i don't even ask them for advice anymore. the more i tell them...the worse their impression of kelly will be. i don't want that. when i told my friends my problems, i never knew that they would end up hating kelly like that. i mean...i think we both made mistakes...and people should not use our friendship as an example of why they hate kelly. it's stupid. they should think for themselves. sure...i want them to support me, but then i don't want them to blindly accept my opinions. because i know that i'm not always right...and the more people say that i am, the more i'm influenced to do those bad things to her.

during the semester, there were times when kelly and i were friends again but things never seemed to work out for us. i never told that many of my friends about this because i knew that they would be angry and say that i caved. well...during the beginning of the semester, i thought that the worst thing i could do was CAVE. but then i realized...my life is not a game...caving or no caving...who's gonna care? this IS my own life. i was depressed..i wanted to be friends with kelly. that's all i ever wanted. so therefore there was nothing wrong with what i did. in may, when my friends got mad at me, that's when i knew that some things i should not tell my friends. no matter how much it's bothering me, i still shouldn't say anything. if kelly and i are having problems...i should never tell them because they'll just say "i told you so".