Current mood:

excited

so far....

dorama...

this is stupid. i shouldn't be scared like this. i shouldn't be so fucking scared that people will read my entries. after all, this IS my LJ and i really DO mean to put some entries public....it's just that i don't want some people to read it. but i realized something. if those people are stupid enough to read my blog/DJ/LJ simply because they want to know what's going on with me or what i'm thinking...then they just have no life. first of all, this IS my own personal thoughts and i'm free to have them. i don't have to censor them just because i don't want certain people to read it. but seriously....if people can use what i write against me...then...they really aren't my friends. if they can criticise my thoughts for their own personal gain then i think they're just stupid. i can write whatever the hell i want in my LJ...and if people are offended, shocked, or even hurt by what i say...then stop fucking reading it. no one told them to read it.

lately i have alot of things troubling me. gosh...for once, i just want a normal life...but then i guess i should've known...right from the start of grade 10, that this was never going to happen. though i always want to know what will happen to me the next day...i'm also scared because i always think that something bad will happen. perhaps that's just how my life is. but...after 2 sems of this....i can't handle this anymore. i can't waste my life being troubled like this. my life is a drama...and no matter how repetitive my problems gets sometimes...i have no wish to end it because of the friends i made. i always wish for a boring life...but then....perhaps that is not possible. maybe i really DO want my life to be interesting. but...i'm just tired of this shit...i can't stand it anymore. there are friends i made during grade 10 that i will never forget about...and among my greatest achievements is being friends with people that i hated in the past. i guess if i had to choose 1 friend that i made each semester...first semester it would be nichole. i hated nichole so much in grade 9...because of jealousy. at that time, no matter HOW i thought about it...i still hated her. because she was responsible for how kelly treated me. but then...i only started being friends after i had that fight with kelly. anyways...nichole is one of those people that know everything about me without asking me. it's because...my friends are her friends...and they tell her what's going on with me. throughout the year, she's known everything that's happened...and she's always given me good advice. nichole is the type...that knows the solution to the problem before you tell her what the problem even is. i cherish those days in science that i hung out with her. i was so happy. second semester....i think i was really glad that i was friends with cindy. in grade 9, i always wanted to be friends with her. during grade 9 registration day, the first person i saw was her. i never expected her to be friends with me...but she did....in comm tech. she started ONLY talking to me during class...and i guess i was so touched because of that. we always spent our time on friendster and hi5...and because i was her friend, i was able to forget about all my troubles. i felt so trusted when she ONLY told me problems she had. she never told anyone else in the class. i think because of cindy i became really shallow and materialistic...but it's ok...i'm better off this way anyways.

all of this is included in that "drama". i guess from now on, i can't be that childish about all this. whenever something bad happens to me, i guess i have to assume that it was meant to be...and that it was fate. i have to see this through to the very end...and i will never do something stupid like contemplate suicide. that's only for people who would easily give up. no matter how much pain i have to suffer...no matter how many problems i have...i won't give up.