Current mood:	content
Current music:	flame - mune no kodou

what have i become

i HAVE changed

i think the reason why i don't want to remember the past and the person i used to be is that i want to forget everything that's happened before. i can't accept my past for what it is. i can't accept everything that's happened...and i hate the fact that i was so different back then. i know that if i were to go back now, i would handle situations much differently. back then i was so confused but then i learned alot from my experiences...i know how to handle it now. but it's too late. i hate myself for that. i wish i wasn't like that before. everytime i read my old entries on DJ or LJ...i think i'm really foolish and naive. i think i'm foolish for doing the things that i did...and i think i'm naive for feeling those emotions that i felt. i despise the person i used to be. it's not that i don't remember...i just refuse to accept it as the truth. before, i remember that i did the complete opposite of what i felt...just because of my stupid pride and because of peer pressure. i shouldn't have done all those things. i wasn't very true to my feelings and i guess i had to suffer for that. i did things i didn't agree with myself....and it was because other people believed that it was the right thing to do...not me. i was so childish back then...thinking my life was a book or a game or whatever. i shouldn't have compared it to all those things. because i knew i could never predict what would happen next but somehow i always acted as if i did. my life is not a book...or a game...every action i make affects the rest of my life. there are consequences to what i do. i made selfish decisions...i never thought about anyone else but myself. i thought that i was the only one that was able to feel those complex emotions...but i realized i wasn't. well all that's changed now.

sometimes i think i have trouble expressing my own thoughts. i remember before, i used to do it so well because the memories were so clear in my mind. now...it's much harder for me to do. it's like...those memories are blurred and it's much harder to think. everytime i recall something, it's as if i'm thinking about a dream. so now i have trouble doing all that stuff. i just write what i feel...and much less of what i do...because i simply cannot remember. sometimes i had already given up on everything that happened during the semester. i've become a shallow, materialistic shell. seriously. i think i'm too cocky for my own good. i always end friendships...and i always think that i'm better off without them. even if i knew they were depressed...that wouldn't matter to me. i could never sympathize with those people...and despite how much i hurt them, i don't feel regret at all. i don't know...is this a good thing or a bad thing? at first when i did these things to people, i always felt troubled after...as if i wasn't sure if i was the right thing to do or not. even if i wasn't sad about losing them as friends, i would still think about it from time to time. but these days, i don't feel ANY of those emotions anymore. even if i know that someone is suffering...i wouldn't feel any guilt at all. it's because now, i put my interests above everyone else's. i guess that's what selfishness is. i'm too caught up in my own life...too troubled by my own problems..that i don't give a shit about anyone else anymore. and that's why i stop being friends with people. if in any slight way they make my life harder than it already is...then they totally deserve what i do to them. and i don't feel guilt because i don't want more problems. is this the type of person i am now? that i'm afraid of having more problems? i really don't know....