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bitch at me? GO AHEAD

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dorama...

this is stupid. i shouldn't be scared like this. i shouldn't be so fucking scared that people will read my entries. after all, this IS my LJ and i really DO mean to put some entries public....it's just that i don't want some people to read it. but i realized something. if those people are stupid enough to read my blog/DJ/LJ simply because they want to know what's going on with me or what i'm thinking...then they just have no life. first of all, this IS my own personal thoughts and i'm free to have them. i don't have to censor them just because i don't want certain people to read it. but seriously....if people can use what i write against me...then...they really aren't my friends. if they can criticise my thoughts for their own personal gain then i think they're just stupid. i can write whatever the hell i want in my LJ...and if people are offended, shocked, or even hurt by what i say...then stop fucking reading it. no one told them to read it.

lately i have alot of things troubling me. gosh...for once, i just want a normal life...but then i guess i should've known...right from the start of grade 10, that this was never going to happen. though i always want to know what will happen to me the next day...i'm also scared because i always think that something bad will happen. perhaps that's just how my life is. but...after 2 sems of this....i can't handle this anymore. i can't waste my life being troubled like this. my life is a drama...and no matter how repetitive my problems gets sometimes...i have no wish to end it because of the friends i made. i always wish for a boring life...but then....perhaps that is not possible. maybe i really DO want my life to be interesting. but...i'm just tired of this shit...i can't stand it anymore. there are friends i made during grade 10 that i will never forget about...and among my greatest achievements is being friends with people that i hated in the past. i guess if i had to choose 1 friend that i made each semester...first semester it would be nichole. i hated nichole so much in grade 9...because of jealousy. at that time, no matter HOW i thought about it...i still hated her. because she was responsible for how kelly treated me. but then...i only started being friends after i had that fight with kelly. anyways...nichole is one of those people that know everything about me without asking me. it's because...my friends are her friends...and they tell her what's going on with me. throughout the year, she's known everything that's happened...and she's always given me good advice. nichole is the type...that knows the solution to the problem before you tell her what the problem even is. i cherish those days in science that i hung out with her. i was so happy. second semester....i think i was really glad that i was friends with cindy. in grade 9, i always wanted to be friends with her. during grade 9 registration day, the first person i saw was her. i never expected her to be friends with me...but she did....in comm tech. she started ONLY talking to me during class...and i guess i was so touched because of that. we always spent our time on friendster and hi5...and because i was her friend, i was able to forget about all my troubles. i felt so trusted when she ONLY told me problems she had. she never told anyone else in the class. i think because of cindy i became really shallow and materialistic...but it's ok...i'm better off this way anyways.

all of this is included in that "drama". i guess from now on, i can't be that childish about all this. whenever something bad happens to me, i guess i have to assume that it was meant to be...and that it was fate. i have to see this through to the very end...and i will never do something stupid like contemplate suicide. that's only for people who would easily give up. no matter how much pain i have to suffer...no matter how many problems i have...i won't give up.

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bitch at me? GO AHEAD

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kono natsu

i guess these days i'm pretty happy. this summer....without a doubt, has been the best summer ever =). this was the summer that i got over my depression...something i thought i would never do. actually, i doubt alot of people really do know what i'm depressed about...but it's ok. haha...i don't feel like explaining. it's not what most people think it is...i'm not that simple. after everything ended, all those memories of this semester...and all the troubles...they are considered the past to me now and i no longer worry about them. for me....the memories HAVE pretty much all faded away...i don't quite remember what i did this semester anymore. some things have happened to me after school ended, but i avoid thinking about them. actually...i don't really have to avoid...i really don't think of them. even if i have to be selfish and mean...i don't want to suffer through depression. i realized that i shouldn't waste my life being depressed because....i can tell that my life isn't going to be that long anyways. so...to simply put it...i'm too old for this shit and i don't have time for it anyways. i don't give a shit about losing friends anymore...actually i never really have...but i mean now...i refuse to even let it trouble me. if they in any way, troubled me in any way, then they really don't deserve to be my friends. but then....there ARE friends...that if i lost, i would definitely cry for...because i can't live without them. i realized that having friend problems is really childish. i shouldn't have wasted all my time, ne? friends will walk in and out of your life, but only the true ones will stay. i believe that's true...even though those probably aren't the exact words...but it's my interpretation of it. i think....not worrying about friend problems at all is coldhearted....and worrying about them too much is being stubborn. me...well...i used to be stubborn but now i'm coldhearted. my friend said something before that really made me think. she said....if they were really true friends, why would you lose them? and....i could barely answer this. i'm not sure of the answer. i guess...no matter how special the friendship is, the inability to overcome fights is a weakness that would eventually lead to a tragic end. if you lose them forever...then perhaps they weren't really true friends in the first place.

i believe that no friend problem is worth my time unless it dramatically affects my life. anyways enough about friendship. i had fun these few weeks. haha....i think...i'm getting more and more materialistic everyday. i have $20 left -_____- holy shit.  i think i spent like $200 since school ended. oh well....i better earn more money. there's still the rest of the summer. last summer, i always had the feeling that i was wasting my time...that i was spending all my time doing nothing. but this summer...i don't have that feeling. even the days i don't go anywhere, i still feel that i accomplished something in the day and that's what i'm proud of. i'm no longer cluttered with worries or regrets even though i know that i used to be like that. whatever happens, happens...and if i keep dwelling upon it...then i really AM naive.i realized that the more depressed i am...the more i'm unable to enjoy what life is REALLY like.

i think that i have some weird problem....i haven't been getting high lately have i? no...i doubt it. actually i think since march i was like this. time passes by EXTREMELY fast for me...and...like....it's getting worse now. like....since the end of school, it hasn't felt like a month. it feels like...a week to me. but then...i can't even remember what i did last week. isn't that short term memory loss? oh well...i don't know. it's like....people always complain because i take a long time to reply emails...but then...it's not my fault. it might seem like a long time to them...but not a long time to me at all. this is scary. the truth is....all my memories of the semester are blurred. i wasn't THAT depressed was i? i heard of this before. i'm probably too traumatized to remember the past. i always said that the only way i'll get over my depression is to forget my past...but i'd never expect it to actually happen. some people refuse to remember the past because they're too traumatized...but for me...it's like...even if it wasn't a traumatizing event, i still wouldn't remember. i mean...it's not like those memores are completely gone...it's just that...it takes effort for me to recall them....and i'm sure that if people mention it to me...i could remember some of it. it's just...blurry >___<. o wellz....i think it's better this way anyways.

anyways, today is the last day...should i do it? i don't know...i had this time to prepare for this moment. i vowed that i would get rid of all my problems before this day...and...well...they're all gone. i did accomplish what i wanted to....but....am i really ready?