Current mood:

geeky

i must forget

why must this be

too many painful memories i want to forget...too many painful events i want to stop troubling over. things that happen to me do not bother me...it's the memories that bother me so. if it were completely up to me, i would just forget everything. memories prevent me from moving on with my life, memories prevent me from changing into a completely different person. people...usually learn from their mistakes...i don't for some reason. it's because....i don't believe that i make mistakes. everything i do has a reason...and everything i do can be explained with detail. but then i realize that sometimes i DO do things on impulse...but then everytime, i always swear that i will not regret what i do. i always believe that at that speciific moment or time, it was the right thing to do. but i'm not like that anymore. i may think i'm right, but in other people's eyes it might not be so. sure...i can explain anything in a way that the things i do were right...but then that is only my personal opinion. i never once considered what other people would feel...because the only thing that mattered were my own feelings. yes i was so selfish back then. now, i actually think before i do things. because...even if i don't regret it at that moment, i will...eventually.

depression for me used to mean hurting other people just so i wouldn't have to feel the pain alone. but...i realized now, that i'd rather suffer alone. i don't want to see anyone suffer through what i had suffered through. i don't even want to tell other people my problems. like cory said, "it's better to keep problems to yourseld because if you tell other people your problems, you will make them sad too". she's right though. i don't want to make anyone else sad...i don't want anyone else to ever know how the depression i suffer through. that's why i choose not to tell people my problems. it's just that...although it probably will make me feel better...it will influence me to do things i won't normally do. like...sometimes i do things..and although i know it's wrong, i still do it because other people agree with it, not me. i realize that when i used to tell people my problems, i don't necessarily take their advice. in fact, i never do. it's because no one is me. no one can think like me. no one can sympathize with my feelings...seriously. no one will understand things from my perspective except myself...and that is the truth. no matter how i explain it, no one will understand how i feel.

memories are the scars of my past. they are the mistakes i made. memories are the pain i had to suffer through. reminiscing is what made me depressed. thinking back to happy memories hurt the most for me...but before, i couldn't help it. sure...it makes me think back to those moments...but then, it always hurts so much because i realize how things are in the present. i don't want to cry anymore for those memories. i don't care anymore...actually...i don't WANT to care anymore. there's a saying that goes "everything happens for a reason but the reason is what you have to find out"...well i never ever realized the reason for why things happen. i just accept the fact that i have bad luck. for me...i agree with the saying "nothing good ever lasts" because for me...it's really true. no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i suffer through, there is really nothing good that comes from it. everything ends, and no matter how much i want to cherish a moment, i can never cherish it forever because it always has to end. that's what my life is like. broken memories. i failed so many times before. i don't even want to try anymore. i give up.