Current mood:

reminiscent

10 days left...

why...

it hurts...it truly does...no denying that...

i always knew there was something called "change"...of course. i knew that changes would happen sooner or later. no matter how perfect something is...it never lasts. things always have to change...and even now i don't understand why. sometimes it just seems like...everyone and everything around me has changed except me. i haven't changed at all. i never want to. but i have to witness all these things. i have to witness my friends growing up...and i have to just accept the fact that they're drifting apart from me one by one. i have to witness friendships diminishing...and those who were once so close to me have become mere strangers. but i haven't changed at all...so that's why i can never get used to how things are now. although i always feared it happening...i never expected it...until it did.

i really wish to go back to those simpler times...when there wasn't a worry in the world and everything was so carefree and happy. considering how things are now...it's hard to imagine a time when none of this ever happened yet. but there is. it's amazing how so many things could happen in a year. in the beginning of gr10..i would never expect all those things to happen...never. things just keep happening....i don't know why. it's like i have such bad luck or something. i always wish that things would just go back to the way they were but they never will.

cory and i used to hang out. back in jrps...we had the same friends so we were really close. when i got into high school...i really waited for cory to get to grade 9 so that we could hang out again. but...last year we didn't have the same lunch. bu this year...when i'm in grade 11 and she's in grade 10...we finally have the same lunch period. but then i realized i couldn't hang out with her...because i just hate her friends. cory doesn't even hang out with any of the same people she used to...now...she only has 2 friends. she herself has changed alot too. when i met cory....she was CBC...and that was something i really admired about her. she was so blunt when dissing people. she was one of the deepest people i know...the things she said had alot of meaning. but then look at her now. she's such a fob...because of her "new" friends. and she's involved in those relationship scandals now. she's my daughter...i treat her like a daughter too. no one likes to see their daughter grow up like that. even as a friend i hate seeing her this way. i hate that although her 2 friends are ugly...they are such a bad influence to her when it comes to these things. they teach her to "kau jai" and they teach her to play guys and everything. cory was never like that. we used to be so close...but her 2 friends are closer with her than i am. i've given up on that...

nancy also. i remember when cory, nancy, and i hung out together. that was only a year ago. look at them now. cory and nancy hate each other now. they have different friends. they used to hang out in a whole group but then cory decided that her friends were losers so she formed her own group. and nancy and i used to be close too. i used to hang out at her house...we used to talk on msn everything. last year she always talked about her guy problems...and look at her now. she's LEZ now...all she ever calls me for is to tell me the problems she has with joyce. i never ever expected nancy to be lez. i don't have a problem with it...but it's just...it's only been a year omg >__<.

and...one of the most obvious problems is HER. "what happened to us"...that question never escapes my mind. beginning of grade 10...we were so happy...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? has she forgotten what we used to be like...has she forgotten those promises? oh FUCK i don't care...but the point is...i never expected this...not in my life...not ever. i never expected things to turn out this way between us...it's like one misfortune after another...until there was absolutely nothing left to cry for. until it happened...i never knew that a friendship could end so tragically...and not just one tragic end...many. the truth is...at one point in my life, i really believed there was something special about her. sure...we were bestfriends...but does anyone know what the word bestfriends meant to us? i can't explain it...but if anyone ever read the chat logs...saw us at school...or heard those phone conversations...they would know. but look at her now. is the word "bestfriend" even in her vocabulary anymore? it surely isn't in mine. does she even remember the simpler days? but i kinda do owe it to her...if it weren't for her...i wouldn't know how to be a good friend. despite how things ended up...i really learned alot from her.

i have to witness all these changes around me and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. i just have to act normal and accept it as a normal part of life. oh how i miss grade 10. but i don't reminisce...not like i used to. even though some things may be hard to accept at first...i know that eventually i'll get used to it. i know that eventually i'll just forget about it...just like how i forget everything else. it's really no use thinking about the past because i can't change anything. neither can i prevent anything else from happening in the future. sometimes i feel like a vampire...how silly that may be. not that i don't age or anything...it's just that nothing about me changes. at least since grade 10 nothing about me has changed...but everything else has. </font>