Current mood:

gloomy

doushite...?

what is wrong with me

lately, for some reason, i've been thinking about oct.20 alot. i went back and went through all our chat logs from those few days, i read over the email she sent me, and i even looked at the chat log between erica and i. i don't understand what i was so scared of back then. at the time, i didn't even read most of that stuff...because i couldn't bear it. i couldn't bear to read it because i only thought that i was right. i didn't consider her feelings at all...i never ever looked at her point of her view.

this is the last time i'm ever going to talk about these events because sometimes...even thinking about them hurts me so much. i can't believe i was so stupid back then. i knew exactly why she called me a backstabber. i know that the events of oct.20 hurt her alot more than it hurt me. i'll try to recount the events that happened...apart from the basics i always tell people.

october 20, 2003. it was a cloudy day. i didn't know what to bring, and i ended up bringing my wallet. my mom dropped me off at school, and after visiting cory, i went upstairs to the science room. everyone had their jackets on still, i remember...because we were about to leave right away. i was anxious to leave right away because i didn't want to wait any more...and i still didn't like the fact that i sat beside nichole. so then mr. passafiume let is go downstairs and i remember i rushed downstairs right away because i wanted to go find kelly. i went downstairs, and i saw this big crowd of people. it was everyone who had science that semester, and that was practically everyone. i walked around looking for her and it was hard because there were just too many people. i met up with other people first, like winnie and lily...and then i said "brb" to them to go look for kelly. i finally found kelly...but she was with kathleen. they were laughing about something and they were linking arms. i knew earlier that they were friends. because i saw them walk up to science together at the end of 4th period. but i never knew that they were friends....i never knew at all. so then, i was somewhat devastated. i thought kelly was gonna finish talking to kathleen and then leave her to hang out with me. but she never did. she just kept talking to her. so i went to talk to lily. after the teachers took the attendance, we all went outside to get on the bus. they were still talking...and then i knew that they were gonna sit on the bus with her. winnie wanted to sit with me but i told her i wanted to sit with lily.

on the bus, kelly and kathleen sat right behind us...i don't know why. i could hear them laughing and each time, it pissed me off even more. i tried turning around and talking to them, but then even for those 5 seconds when i did, i felt left out so then i decided that i should just talk to lily. i think kathleen sat on the inside and kelly sat directly behind me. i remember she kept reaching her arm to hug me or something and i just pushed her arm off of me whenever that happened. i wanted her to know i was pissed off but then i got the impression that she didn't know i was serious or something. if she and kathleen thought it was funny then that's just stupid. i was so mad...i got angrier with every laugh i heard. they seemed so happy. so...i'll just leave them alone. why should i be left out? she's supposed to my bestfriend...she's supposed at least sit with me on the bus...especially when she was the only reason that i went...and i wasn't gonna be second to no one. i got the impression that she thought of me as a little kid or something and that by pushing her arm away, i was just throwing a tantrum. i wanted to prove to her that i was serious.

at the science center, i was with lily and everytime we saw them, we turned around and walked in the opposite direction. everytime we saw them they were linking arms. i tried to look happy even though i could like feel my blood boiling inside. i didn't want her to think that i was so useless without her...that i was nothing without her...so i hung out with lily so that she would get the impression that she was not my only friend. even though my blood pressure was rising steadily, i still had to look happy. i remember there are times when she said hi to me or whatever...or looked at me and i just glared back at her. i also remember while we were walking around, i kind of wondered where she and kathleen were...but yet, at the same time i really didn't want to see her.

during the presentation, i sat with lily...and i remember i had to borrow like a pencil and paper from her because i didn't bring anything except my wallet. olivia, carrie, catherine sat behind me and i remember kathleen or kelly sat directly beside olivia or something. so then i turned around in the beginning and i showed them my astroboy wallet. i just looked at kelly and glared at her once again.

later, during lunch, i remember we were all in the place where lunch is bought. lily was lining up for something and then i saw her talk to kelly or kathleen or something like that because they were in the same line. so i just left. i sat down with..uh..angie i think. we were talking...and then lily came. then, kathleen and kelly came to sit beside us and i got up and left right away. we sat with someone else...i forgot who it was though >___<. alot of the time, i complained to lily about them...but them in front of them, i acted like i was having alot of fun...though i really wasn't.

during the omnimax movie, we sat very far from them so i was happy. they were sitting with chris luck i remember...or was that during the presentation? uhhhh i don't remember...i think it was both. so then later, we had to go. i remember lily bought a coke in a glass bottle and it cost like $4 or something. then when we were standing outside, waiting for the bus, kelly came and hugged me from behind but then i just pushed her away.

on the bus, i was unlucky enough to sit across from her and kathleen and again, we sat like right beside each other...because we both sat on the outside. i remember i even asked lily if i could sit on the inside but she wouldn't let me. so then during the trip, i felt so abused. kelly kept touching me and trying to talk to me but i just said "go away" or "don't touch me". kathleen was laughing for some reason...that pissed me off so much. oh yea, this was in that email kelly sent me. she said she overhead me saying to lily that i would hang out with her from now on. is that what made her stop hanging out with me? i have no idea...but to think...is that what made her hate me? those few words? man i was a dumbass back then.

online, she kept saying that she loved me...and even when she was away, her away message was some sort of message to me that she loved me. i just ignored her. then i kept ignoring her and she finally called me. she kept asking me what was wrong and i finally said that i was mean to her purposely but i never told her the reason. i supposedly laughed when i said that....oh, was i sadistic bitch back then too? shit >___<.

in the past, i couldn't write this down...why? because i didn't even want to think about oct.20 and i was too stubborn to think that i was the one who was actually at fault for the whole incident. i didn't want to remember it...but then now that i think back on this incident, it was all my fault. i hurt her more than words could imagine. i know exactly how she felt. i really did. she even told me...but then why was i so stupid not to listen to her. i kept holding a grudge against her for what happened between us. i always blamed it on oct.20 and i always blamed it on kathleen for being friends with her in the first place. but that wasn't the case at all. i was the one who fucked up our friendship...i can't believe that...i was the one who caused the oct.20 incident to happen....i am so stupid.

i DID tell alot of people about this. all of them thought she was at fault..i don't know why though. i would've been saved if only one friend...just one friend...told me that i was the one who was wrong and that i should be the one to apologize to kelly. if only one person had told me that jealousy was not the answer to everything...and that our friendship mattered much more that...if only...but no one did. everyone encouraged me to hate her. my grudge against her kept growing...after the science center incident.

i didn't know that at the science center, she wanted to hang out with me. i didn't know that she just pretended to be happy with kathleen because of how i acted with lily at the science center that day. i never realized how deeply i hurt her...and that when she tried to talk to me about it after school, i wasn't even serious at all. i wouldn't tell her what was wrong...even though i could that she was genuinely concerned about it. that's why she called me to settle things. we DID end up settling it that day, but she didn't forgive me. we hung out together the next day but then she ditched me. it was because i was too busy talking to other people. i knew how she felt...i knew how much i hurt her. i know how hurt she must've been to have her bestfriend diss her like that. i know how frustrating it must've been because i didn't tell her what was wrong. i know how much it pissed her off when i laughed when i said "i was mean to you on purpose". of course i know. i know that she was sad that i told everyone else about how i felt at the science center but i had no courage to tell her. i know how disappointed she must've been when she realized that i didn't even fit the qualities of a bestfriend. i don't know if she intended to be bestfriends with kathleen or not...but i really understand why she stopped hanging out with me.

contrary to popular belief, i was the one at fault for oct.20. i never formally apologized for her for what happened that day but i know that it's useless now anyways. i'm a year too late. but then if i never thought about the incident now, i would've never realized the impact of it on our friendship. i fucked up our friendship i know that. i have no idea if she ever forgave me for what happened that day. i really don't know...but i do know that jealousy is not everything. to have a friendship destroyed by that....it's just not worth it.

i wish the science center trip happened in 2nd semester because i would've dealt it with it more maturely. i was too immature and childish to be her bestfriend back then. before oct.20, i thought that our frendship was very perfect but there was alot of flaws. i was so stupid....i realized that i always say these mean things to her...i know that i always refused to talk to her or msn or was reluctant to talk to her on the phone. i always told my friends that i hung out with her because i felt sorry for her for losing nichole as a bestfriend. i was so stupid back then...i know that. dharshika was there too...and then i was always pissed that she followed us around like that. kelly and i were never alone and that really pissed me off. but the few days before the science center...those days we were happy. i never expected something like that to happen between us.

i was so stupid. i always said that i was depressed and everything...i always said that i was such a perfect bestfriend to her...but in truth, i really wasn't. all i ever sacrificed for her is my time...nothing else. i was never there for her...i never treated her the way i wanted to. she didn't know...how many times i cried for her...i cried after the fucking science center trip. she never knew...how much i looked up to her. she never knew how much she impacted my life. she never knew that i lived...just for her. i never had the courage to show these kind of emotions though....whenever we didn't talk...i didn't want to cave into her. i had to act happy even though i wasn't. i always acted like i didn't care about her or something. but i really did...i seriously did. i wanted to kill myself because of oct.20. she never knew that. fine, i might've said some bad stuff about her to other people...but she never knew how concerned i was about our friendship...so concerned that i asked people before i did anything.

i don't give a fucking shit what she thinks of me now. i wouldn't give a fucking shit if she never fucking talks to me again. but i really do understand the significance of oct.20 now. i am getting to old for that shit though....i'm not depressed...of course i'm not. i'm gonna accept the fact that we probably hate each others guts now. i'm gonna accept the fact that until i die, i probably will never see her again.

67 days