Current mood:

lonely

jealousy and the bitches

the post to end all posts

i've been thinking these past days and i think that there was something seriously wrong with me during the semester. how could i not see this? or i just did and overlooked it. i was depressed because of her for the whole semester. but why? it's so stupid. i never exactly looked at the problem before because i was afraid of facing it. i always talked about our friendship as only being about whatever happened after october 20. i never looked at the most obvious things and for that reason, i always thought that i was the one at fault. the thing is, i don't believe that she ever treated me as a bestfriend although she said she did. i don't believe that during the semester, she ever thought of me even once. my efforts were wasted, i know that. everything i did during the semester...i just wanted her to notice. if she was so clueless about how i felt, why didn't she ever come to my blog? why didn't she ever read the testimonials on my friendster? she was supposedly my bestfriend...so she should've knew. but she didn't. everyone else knew why i was depressed. people knew about my depression even before they knew who i was. so then why, didn't she know even though she was my supposed bestfriend? it baffles me. it's because she could care less about me although she used to say otherwise. words really mean nothing in this kind of situation, it's the actions that mean alot. for her, i cannot forgive her for how much she hurt me before...seriously, i can never get over it. i know i've hurt her before...like on oct20....and several other incidents...but those were times when i seriously just wanted her to NOTICE...that there was something wrong in her actions. i did those things because i wanted her to see that i was mad at her. i didn't remember this before, but there was actually a reason why i always got mad at her and never told her why. it was because i wanted her...to just once, consider my feelings. telling someone their faults is not any way to solve a problem...because they won't learn anything. if they realize it on their own then that is a real gift. though i did hurt her feelings before, nothing could ever measure up to the horrible things that she did to me. i don't like to think about last semester because just everything about her bothered me. her stupid nn's...her fdster (especially)...her icq details...etc. especially in february...everytime i saw one of those things it really hurt. gosh...i know she is the type to broadcast her life to the world but did she ever know at all that the things she does could hurt me? err..i don't think so...she is not that smart. that is why i enabled custom names on msn...because i hated more than anything else in the world to see her nn talking about how she loves that piece of shit so much. it IS jealousy. but why did it hurt me so much? cuz all of the fucking times she's deceived me with her lies. i always say that before the science center trip, everything was ok between us. well that is just a lie. if it weren't those days then i wouldn't have been so hurt in february. the truth is, that was not the first time i was depressed.


in grade 9 second semester i was also depressed. the reason? because suddenly, for no reason at all, she ignores me for half a year. we never even got into a fight. nothing. and then in september she expects me to pity her because she has no other friends? but i was nice back then, i actually did...and though i was hesitant about trusting her again, i soon gave in because i thought that it deserved just one last chance. turns out...things actually did go well..TOO well. we hung out at school, talked after school until night...and always talked on the phone. but then, i just figured that because she said that i was the most important person in her life, that it was really true. but it always bothered me that i was always second. second to nichole. but then when they got into that fight...i was actually happy...but really no. it just PROVES the fact that i was second to her. i always wonder...what if they never got into that fight? what if they stayed friends during gr10? then it's obvious how things would've turned out...she would've never hung out with me at all. err....but i WAS happy because now that nichole wasn't her bestfriend anymore...for once WE can be bestfriends.


the reason why i was just so devastated in february was because i realized that everything she ever said to me before was a lie. without me she would die?...i was the most important person in her life? bullshit. but then usually when people say serious things like that it is the truth...but in this case, it was all lies. i guess it was my fault for being so gullible in the first place...but then she shouldn't have said those things if she never meant them. but then i have never seen her act like that before. never. there are 3 possible explanations. 1. i am boring 2. it's revenge for whatever i did to her in the past 3. she is guy obsessed. i think that it's a combination of the second one and the third one. i wasn't that nice to her after the science center because she just continued to piss me off. maybe she just wanted someone who she didn't get into fights with so often. and the 3rd one...i know she is like that. i think i told a.chow this before in february. i can't believe that someone she's known for less than a month is somehow more important to her than her bestfriend. so all that shit i did was useless? so after all, she values that piece of shit just because it's a guy? i also realized this during the semester. for most of her life she's going to end up married to some guy anyways...so during her high school years...why can't a bestfriend be the most important person to her? if i really hated her alot, i would call her a hoe...because she fits the definition of one.


most people...if asked the question "what is more important to you, friendships or relationships?" most of them would say friendships...but in her case, it's not. it never was. realizing that, it bothered me....because someone who i considered as my bestfriend can't even put friendships over relationships. it's also very ironic of her to have put a nn such as "love might not last forever but our friendship will" before if she doesn't even believe that to be true.


i don't get why some people really don't understand why i hate that piece of shit so much. i mean...i should hate her more right? well i hate him simply because he exists...and i hate him because he replaced me. oh, how i want to kill that bastard. i remember...a few weeks ago, when a few people told me what had happened between them, it made me so happy. because well, i always wished for that to happen. actually, i don't really care what happens to her anymore anyways, but then if this had happened in 2nd semester...man, i would've been so happy. it's because...she gave up so much for that bastard...even me. oh! i just remembered something i said last semester. "she acted as if he was the only person in her world and she didn't need anyone else. she acted as if just because she has that piece of shit by her side, she can step on anyone else along the way". i got asked if i would ever consider being her friend. why should i...i don't pity her. i think it's quite funny how something like this could happen to her. retribution for all the things she has ever done. like hell she would ever think of me. i tried before...in may, i tried to put all of those things behind me because our friendship was more important. turns out, she really doesn't care. because she has that bastard. arg...how harsh reality is.


anyways, that is a summary of "jealousy and the bitches: pt 2!"