Current mood:

pissed off

fuck.

i. hate. you.

i hate you. i fucking hate you so much. i can't believe you would fucking do that to me you bitch. after all i fucking did for you in the past...after all i've sacrificed for you...

after all this time...since gr10...you don't fucking care about me at all don't you? that bestfriend thing was all a FUCKING LIE?!?! i gave up everything i had for you...just because i wanted to be bestfriends with you again. this whole fucking year...you made my life a living hell. always going on with your own life, leaving me behind...doing all this shit to make me jealous...do you NOT see how much it hurts that you treat me like this? well i guess you'll never fucking know...

i once thought that we'd be bestfriends forever. i thought that no matter how much shit we've been through, we'd always make it and be bestfriends again. i thought that we could stand the test of time. my feelings for you never fucking changed....even after all that shit you did to me. you left me...left me to fucking die...while you selfishly go on with your life and forget about me. go on. forget about me then. like i fucking care.

you ignored me all this fucking time...then one day you suddenly just talk to me again, trying to make things better. i actually thought about it, i thought and i thought, and then i came to the conclusion that there is no fucking way in hell i'm ever forgiving you for all that shit you did. why? because you'll never learn. you'll never understand just how great of a friend i am. and for that, i think it's a shame. we'll never go back to the way we used to be. all this time, i was willing to forget about all the shit you ever did to me...every little thing you ever did to ruin my life. because i wanted things to go back to the way they used to be...when we used to be bestfriends.

after all those tears i cried for you...after all that time i spent waiting for you...waiting for you to realize just how much you actually mean to me...all that...was for nothing. i'd like to think that you felt the same about me, but in truth, you don't. you used me. my own bestfriend. using me. the fucking hell is your problem? you used me all this time....when no one was there for you...i was just rebound...and when you found someone else, they'd be your new target. i'm just surprised that you can so quickly call someone else your bestfriend...

you know...after all that we've been through together, after all those arguments, all that time spent apart, i thought that you'd want the same thing as me...i thought you'd wanted to mend this broken friendship. but i was fucking wrong. do you think i'm stupid not to see that you hold back when you talk to me? same as when you were with that piece of shit...i got so fucking pissed because even though i was pouring my feelings out to you...doing whatever i can to make you happy, you never acknowledged my feelings at all. and now...a new problem huh? a new distraction? that FUCKING BITCH YOU CALL YOUR BESTFRIEND? this is not simple jealousy. no. this is not jealousy at all. this is bitter hate for the person i used to call my bestfriend.

did you know, that ever since we were "friends" again, the only thing i was worrying about was balancing out my priorities. because like you, and UNLIKE you, i did alot of shit while we were apart too. i didn't know who to fucking choose...YOU...or HER. you know that we're friends...but you also know that i try to make it equal between you two...even though it wasn't. i've been stressing over this for too fucking long already. you bitch. i can't believe you would do this to me. you settle things with me right...but you have no intention of treating me as a bestfriend anymore?

after all that shit you did to me in the past, the least you can do is make it up to me by treating me like you always did in the past. you were the one that did all that shit to me. there is nothing wrong with me being jealous...it's part of my personality...and you should know just how much i care about you. i never felt that way about anyone else...never. you made me wait all this time...but i stopped waiting long ago. i gave up already. i gave up hope of our friendship because i knew that things would never go back to the way they used to be. you can't exactly blame me. you left so many fucking scars in my heart that the good memories that we had are long gone. that day when you talked to me, i was so happy, because i thought that you wanted us to be bestfriends again...just like we used to be. when you said you wanted to start over, i thought you meant that you wanted us to forget about all the bad memories and just be bestfriends again. but i misunderstood. you wanted us to start from the very beginning....and just be "friends". that's an insult...that really is. i don't think that's really what you want...i think it's because you have your jap bitch now so you don't give a shit no more about me.

is that how you are? is that how you fix the imperfections in a friendship? you just find a NEW bestfriend? you know...i could care less about how you live your life...i seriously don't give a shit. but...did you know that i'm fine without you? i've been without you for over a fucking year now. you just HAD to apologize to me...try to make things better between us...but in actuality...all you ever wanted to do was try to show off how you got your new bitch...and how you can live fine without me. i FUCKING KNOW YOU CAN LIVE FINE WITHOUT ME...i'm FINE WITHOUT YOU. you're selfish, you really are. you apologized to me not because you cared about the fact i was depressed all this time, you wanted to get rid of the guilt that was weighing down your heart. were you ever sad about me? did you ever cry for me? no, i doubt you did. you had "better" things in your life, didn't you?

am i really that horrible of a bestfriend that you just had to go and replace me like that? fuck you...you still have no idea what i've done for you this past year. you seriously don't have a fucking clue? i ditched my friends because of you...i didn't fucking go online for a month because of you...i got a new account because of you...i act this way because of you...every real tear i ever fucking cried was because of you. everything was because of you. and you're stupid to never realize. it's your fucking loss you know. i really wanted things between us to be ok again. but i guess it's in your nature to choose random people over me. god. everything i ever did for you was a fucking waste because you never appreciated my efforts at all. perhaps i'm not the most perfect friend in the world...but out of everyone i knew...you were my only bestfriend. i forgave you all that i could...all that shit you did to me. i did everything for you...that whole period of time i dedicated my life to just making you happy. i don't know...but no one else in the world could ever care about you as much as i did. sure, i did hurt you a couple of times...but you should really understand why i did those things. there's a reason for everything. but the things you did to me...there's no explanation for those. you were just being a bitch. but i always forgave you...but not this time...

you can't fucking have more than 1 bestfriend...you always said that yourself...

you know what...

you don't know what a bestfriend is. you think you can replace me just like that huh? you think that just because of a few hardships, you just fucking give up on me and move on to someone else? i never did that to you...and you hurt me way more than i hurt you. alot of things i tell you take alot of courage. i told you once that i will never give up on you. and i never did. but little did i realize, you had already forgotten about me. the time we were apart, that's fucking caused by you and you only. you just HAD to find someone else didn't you?

yes i know what you're going to fucking say. you dont want to lose a bestfriend like her. well then why should i care about losing a FRIEND like you. because honestly, who the fuck are you to me now? you can't even go one day without talking to me as if i was just another friend. am i really just another friend to you? all that shit i did for you in the past...how i proved myself as a bestfriend...all that time i was depressed about you...do you NOT know any of that? well i'm sure you do. i don't want you to cause me any more fucking pain from now on because honestly, i'd rather live a life without you. fucking bitch. waste my fucking time.

to be completely serious though...i haven't cried since last year...not even in 2nd sem did i cry. i haven't cried since the beginning of gr10...because there was really nothing that could hurt me as much as this. i always forgave you...because i was able to see things from your point of view...and i understood how you felt. so i always forgave you no matter how bitchy you were to me. but this has gone too far. the only reason i was ever nice to you all this time was because i thought it really cool that we were bestfriends. i thought i meant something to you...

but you know what....i'm gonna do something i've been meaning to do ever since the end of january last year. stop being friends with you, once and for all.

174 days
fourteenth day